Judith Inspires Me

This midwife thing is pretty great. Silly, no? To say it like that? So simple, yet so true. I feel overwhelmed sometimes with this Divine gift of opportunity I have been given. I am working with two extraordinary midwives. I am there, witness to the moment a baby human takes its first breath, I am there holding space, with hands on or with hands off - I am there. And it is amazing.

But now the transition grows more intense. The past year has been about witnessing (picture of a "true knot" included). Now the transition is about becoming a midwife, not just wanting to be one and watching. But becoming one and doing.

And the transition frightens me.

I'll repeat it here because I've said it a lot in the past year ... "as a doula my greatest worry is how strong my counter pressure is during a contraction" ... or "is that cold water washcloth on the back of you neck cold enough". I adore doula work and recognize the sisterhood, the tribal support of women with women in childbirth as critical and beautiful.

But there's a profound shift as one goes from doula to midwife. The comfort measures I've grown confident with and experienced with as a doula are vastly different than the risk assessment, differentials and health measures one assesses as a midwife.

It's some scary shit.

I have not yet caught a baby. I know that seems like the "gold standard" of success as a midwifery student. I've had my hands on a perineum or two, warm compress and oil applied. I've helped protect a perineum with a compound presentation. But the words of one of my teachers is settling in more and more ... "it's not about catching babies. You realize that? That's the fun part". I get it now. I'd love to put my hand on a warm, wet baby as it emerges across the gateway to Earthly life, but I get that midwifery is about safeguarding the space, safeguarding the mother, safeguarding the outcome of each judgment call and new transition during a labor and birth. It's the big picture of safety, good health and steady wisdom.

My goal for the fall is to really think that way now. To tenderly and with honor and gratitude really shed my doula identity and take on the midwife identity.

I want to smile and shine just saying that. "I am a midwife"

I'm transitioning into what my school calls "primary" births. I've done my beginner work, my "assists" and now I need my real "a midwife is born" numbers! The real meat and potatoes of midwife making.

I am very ready.

The Flowers in my Life

It's been a strange week with David working even stranger hours. It's a blessing indeed that he has a good job that seems secure. He was working on Tokyo time this week, since opening day in Japan meant he had to be awake for games here - in NY time. He was in work and busy at 3am twice this week.

And through it all, the fatigue and sense of not being able to "do it all" because he's not around so much right now, through seeing the laundry pile up, through seeing my frustration levels rise at the kids because the house is a mess .... I am reminded in a single picture to stop and smell the flowers! To look at the bloom, the vibrant color. To see the small blessings in the way Angus looks as such a stunning specimen of nature, vibrant yellow petals, intricate central seeds, healthy green leaves. And what I really love about this picture is the way he translates it to the page. What pride and confidence he takes in drawing each petal. In aligning them just so. What goes on in his mind that he looks at such an intricate thing of beauty and then puts it to pencil and paper so simply with such four year old style!?

I am beyond happy with the abundance in my life. I am gifted each day with bold colorful "flowers" of joy and gratitude when I look around. My house has dust bunnies in every corner, laundry will sit for days unfolded, just about every faucet from kitchen to bathroom leaks, toys are strewn hither and yon, at months end we've got next to nothing in the bank ..... and we are HAPPY. Abundantly happy!

Flowers manifest before my heart and eyes every day when I look at David and I know he still loves me as much as I still love him. I watch my kids grow and know that we are doing a wonderful job in creating kind, gentle citizens of this Earth. More flowers! A baby emerges from a mother's womb and it is a gift to me to be by her side - still more flowers. I hold new babies in my arms and watch a new mother latch her child on for the first time a realize I am doing Divine work! HUGE flowers in that. Flowers of plenty, flowers of life, flowers of stunning beauty every day.

What better way to enter the spring that with such an epiphany about Mother Nature's most beautiful children, Her shining stars here on Earth - Her flowers.

Peace ~

Cesarean Birth & Snow Day's

Yesterday was the Cesarean Healing Circle Marin, Ariana and I facilitated together. I came home with a significant headache but not in a horrible way. In a sad way. We talked for a bit after the workshop and even though we're all three experienced enough to know women are in pain, it's always hard to sit in circle with 8 women and see them weeping or enraged or furious or depressed. It was a wonderful workshop though in that I see so much potential for healing. There is not enough of this core spiritual work going on for women who are in pain. Women using words like "ripped" "violated" "abused" "used" "torn" "ruined" "failed" .... they need a place to weep safely.

It's nice to reconnect with some very primitive and archetypal instincts towards the way birth should be - because that's what all women come to if given the opportunity to explore deeply. Or at least I suspect they would - in dark pockets of their mind's eye, when all fear and modern impressions are dimmed and subdued, when asked deep within their cells to call forth an image of birth I do suspect it's primal and ritual filled and raw and ecstatic.

But that's just me.

Anyway, where's my foot of snow? Kids home from school, fire in the fire place, glue, paint, construction and tissue paper at the ready ... popcorn, brownies and hot chocolate. Sledding. Off to another day of wonderment and motherhood.

The Next Day ....

Martha & Ina May.

My wonderful teacher, Martha Roth, Ariana, Ina May, me, Judith

Kate, Ariana, Ina May, me, Judith.

Need I say more. I mean truly, Sitting At Her Feet was never more apparent. I have chosen a journey the in many was, because of Ina May, is an actual option - an obtainable goal. What a delicious, Red Tent treat to sit, sip tea and chat with her until past midnight. She's amazing.

Drinks With Ina May?

Just received a phone call from dear Judith that Obi Wan, ahem, I mean Martha has a special guest at her house .... Ina May herself apparently. Wise Women hang together is seems. The clandestine call went something like this, "Hello?"... "Hi Deirdre, it's Judith" ... "Hi Honey ... how was today ...[she'd been with Martha earlier in the day]" ... "We're invited to join them at Riverspace for the Zydeco band and hanging with them after" .... "Them?" ..."Them! .. Martha and Ina May."

I told my husband last night, when there were rumors of Ina May sleeping in Nyack, that this was what life was like 20 years ago if I'd heard David Bowie was scheduled to meet with Don Ienner at Columbia Records. I'd get all giddy and stalk the halls of the executives at the record company. I mean - we're all groupies of some one, no? First it was teen heart throbs (Scott Baio, Shaun Cassidy) then it was Rock Stars (David Bowie, Bono [circa 1983]) and now it's midwives!!!

Not so bad for a first blog entry!